Facing the Terror of Our Own Deepest Nature
by Jeanne Denney
I knit something I call “crone shawls”: loose multi-colored shawls that I give to women of my life who I both love, and who have achieve the status of “crone”. These are women of wisdom, kindness, and care. When I give a shawl to someone, I ask them wear it to my funeral, or send it to someone who will be. For me these shawls are a statement of solidarity. There is something about the crone/grandmother wisdom in them that knows about both death, healing and love, and that holds the larger weave of “Indra’s net". What do we need on this planet more than that?
I am also knitting a special shawl for myself. It will be made of white wool, and super wide and long. Why? Because I plan to have my children wrap it around my body after my death and before my burial. I am writing about this shawl because I am watching how much I avoid actually knitting it.
The idea was that I would stay with this “death contemplation” until it was done, a row a day, remembering that I am mortal. But this shawl has been, let’s say,…complicated. Mainly… it sits on the needles in my living room. I had about 10 inches of it done, then had to rip it all out and start over. It got so tangled I put it down for months. I have since only managed 3 or 4 rows.
Do you think that if a close friend on their deathbed and asked me to knit them a white shawl I would have any problem doing it? Absolutely not! I would get right on it. No, it is OUR personal mortality that we somehow have a very difficult time groking, not someone else’s. We know they are mortal, we don’t know that we are. And (charmingly) we always think that we have time. We are so human.
Why I am writing about this is because we are near the end of enrollment for the full year training in SoULL. And this year, like others, we hear a common refrain: “ I really want to do it, this just isn’t the right time.” Or “I plan to do it next year.” To which I always say the same thing. “What makes you think we will be around next year? Or…that you will be?”
If you are someone who has said this, don’t feel bad! My shawl as my witness, I am right there with you in avoidance! Not yet. Yea, yea, I will. And there are very real and practical reasons why this is hard or impossible to do. I am just pointing out that it is not easy for any of us. It is our nature.
There is another thing I am trying to point to. That is that the more we are are engaged with the dance of denial, the less likely it is that a SoULL (or shawl), as resource, will actually be there. It takes a village to support it. Of course I want to imagine we will be available for future students who want to come (in that perfect future moment that often never comes). But the reality of holding the doors open for this is a different thing.
This year, despite 6 years of obvious success in bringing deep life consciousness into practitioner training, we hang perilously close to cancelling our first year training. Why? Low enrollment. We are still hopeful, because, truly, this happens every year. But one thing I know for sure. There is a much higher resistance to signing up for something that requires us to walk through our fear of being mortal, even if we know it will take us much closer to love, vitality and many things we truly need.
Maybe we can just admit that we are all a little afraid to discover things about our own deepest nature.
So could I make a proposal? Could we do this together? I will keep knitting if you keep walking forward through your “reasons why not” (however long it takes…wherever it takes you). And if you feel a strange little something pulling at your heartstrings when you read about SoULL, consider doing it this year. Because we are, miraculously, still here, this year. It really does take a bunch of us being courageous together for there to be others.
If you feel the pull and you really can’t do it this year (really, I do get it), consider a small donation to help us hang in until you and others can. Because your death will arrive, and I am 100% sure your life will eventually like you to know something more about its nature. We got that part covered.
And please feel free to make yourself a crone shawl! You will at least know what to wear to my funeral.
Instructions for Knitting a (regular) “Crone Shawl”
Use 1” diameter knitting needles.
Looks great with varigated yarn such as Lion Brand Homespun. Uses a little less than 1 skein (185 Yards).
Cast on about 36 stitches.
Knit about 8 rows.
Switch to alternating Knit a row/ Pearl a row pattern until you have 6” less than desired length.
Knit another 8 rows.
Cast off.
